10.26.25
Many years ago, I would dread Sunday afternoons for that was when Darrell would ready his work van for another long week away from me and our farm here in Monument. It was a necessary thing. Keeping his electrical contracting business going in Bend was what brought in the majority of the income that allowed us to keep building and improving our land, but it was hard. As the final things were stowed away and he came towards me for that last hug and a kiss, I tried to keep on a brave face, yet even as I smiled, my eyes filled with tears. We held each other tight, and I knew from his voice that he was fighting back tears too.
How silly was this? Here we had been married for nigh on 15 years, yet it still wrenched at our hearts to be apart. Looking down at me, he would gently wipe the tears that were rolling down my face away with the back of his hand. “I’ll call you as soon as I get to Bend. I love you.” He would say. “I love you too,” I would reply and then he would climb in the white van and head off down the driveway, with a toot of his horn and his hand waving out the window. At the end of our long driveway, as the van turned onto the road, I would hear another “Toot! Toot!” as he drove away. I would remain standing there, watching that white van with Darrell’s Electric, Inc. emblazoned on the side, fade off into the distance. Yet still I would keep watching, seeing the last flash of white between the trees as he passed the Mund’s place, then finally hearing the sound of the motor fade.
With tears still rolling down my cheeks, I would resolutely turn away, knowing there was work here on the farm to be done, knowing my dearest would be coming home again soon, but Friday night seemed such a long, long way away. We never said the word goodbye to each other, never. When he would call to let me know he was safely in Bend and on our daily morning and evening calls to each other, we never ended our talks with anything other than “I love you!” and “Bye!”, a word which was repeated back and forth to each other for what seemed like ages as neither one wanted to be the one to hang up the receiver!
Yesterday, apart from dashing out to throw hay to the beef calves and the milk cows, I spent the entire day just being beside my dearest. After helping him from the bedroom to the living room then getting him settled on the settee, other than getting up to stoke the fire in the wood cooker, I sat on a pillow on the floor beside him, our hands entwined. While he dozed in and out of consciousness, I tried to keep the tears from soaking the pillow near his head where my head also rested next to his. It was hard.
For you see, my dearest Darrell, the absolute love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate, is dying. We do not know how much time we may have left together. I have gone from taking the past few weeks day by day and now find myself taking the day hour by hour. The Lewy Body Dementia which stole into our life and invaded my dearest Darrell over three years ago, is now taking him from me. I am shattered. This past week saw hospice enter our world. I had always thought hospice workers, especially the nurses, were angels with invisible wings… but now I know they are!
As this final journey with my dearest love unfolds, I am there and will remain there by his side. For many who may have wondered why they have not seen me responding on ambulance calls or around the village or teaching classes, this is why. My entire world revolves, as it has always done but more so now, around my Darrell.
I do not know when that dreaded time will come, when my dearest love is called away from me, but I know it is inevitable and know it could be soon. Just as certainly as I knew that white van would be packed for his trip to Bend on a Sunday afternoon all those years ago, so I know this too is a journey he will take without me by his side.
As I hold him in my arms when that time comes, we will not say “goodbye”, instead we will say “I love you”, we will say “I’ll see you later”, for I believe that with all my heart. As he leaves me, I will imagine that white van driving off down the driveway, his hand waving cheerily out the window and that last “Toot! Toot” as he pulls out onto the road. For one day, I know it will be him waiting anxiously for me to return “home”. He will be standing there, handsome, strong and tall, that smile I love on his face, and his arms open wide. He will hug me tightly and whisper in my ear, “Welcome my love, we are home!”
